Imagine a conversation that goes like this:

Hey Mom and Dad, I can’t wait to come home for the holidays and see both of you!  I have so many great stories from college to tell you guys.  Don’t tell Grandma and Grandpa, but I wanted to surprise them with a framed picture of me and all of the siblings - I think they’ll really appreciate it.  In fact, I already picked out the dress I’m going to wear.  It’s just a simple little number that I picked up today at American Apparel, but it fits really well and I think I can dress it up with a nice pair of heels and a necklace.  It’ll really be great! I’m so excited!!

Then, imagine showing up for said holiday photo shoot in the very dress you were describing above, and the dress looks like this:

Yes, those ARE her nipples, and if her hand weren’t placed across her body so strategically, I’m sure that her downtown woman parts would be out for all to see, as well.

Imagine the look on your parents face when you show up in that.  Worse, imagine if the woman in that dress were your daughter.  Oh, how proud would I be if my offspring grew up to be an soft-corn porn American Apparel model!  Hmm… on second thought… I think I’d rather my daughter grow up and become a doctor, or a writer, or a philanthropist.  Hell, I’d rather my daughter grow up to pump gas, as long as she kept her body fully covered in opaque clothing.

If my modeling career ever takes off (after I grow a few inches and drop enough weight to put me just under 90 pounds), I’ll be sure to take home my portfolio and show it off to my proud parents.  But, I’ll probably leave out the pictures from my American Apparel photo shoot.  You know, just so they don’t think I’m a porn star or anything.

Jersey Shore premiered on MTV Thursday.  YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

From my previous post, you may be able to determine just how excited I was for the premiere of MTV’s new show Jersey Shore.  Think Real World meets Growing Up Gotti, and BAM, you’ve got American’s best new TV program.

The two-hour premiere airing on Thursday night did NOT disappoint.  (In fact, Gawker was more than impressed.  Brian Moylan even looks at the series as a complete sociological study.) Four big orange, tatted dudes and four dark-haired, chubby females comprise the Jersey Shore cast. The cast members’ house in Seaside Heights is delightfully tacky, with Scarface posters plastered on the walls and a disease-filled hot tub on the top floor - a true Jersey Shore party mansion.

I am currently watching the show for the third time in two days because (as with every other MTV show) it’s rerunning over and over again.  I can promise you that I will sit down and watch it at least three more times before the weekend ends.

My suggestion to you?  If you haven’t seen it yet, then make yourself comfortable on your couch and wait until MTV re-airs Jersey Shore again.  Trust me… you won’t be let down.

I cannot wait for the upcoming episodes that depict the classic, short-lived, narcissistic romances on the boardwalk, ridiculous night club debauchery, and overall guido doucheiness.

Welcome back to the game, MTV.  Jersey Shore is your first hit in a long time, and I can’t wait to see what else you’ve got up your sleeve.

Ask my roommate - I am a total informercial addict.  When Billy Mays (the most animated man in the industry) died, a little piece of me went with him.  I mean, who else would make me care SO much about getting stains out of my clothing???

I spend some weekend mornings watching 30-minute paid programming segments, simply because they are so very, very entertaining.

My latest favorite infomercial product is the BumpIt.  It’s a hair piece that women can put on the crown of their heads so that hair has a lift toward the back.  I understand that women don’t enjoy having a head of flat hair, nor do they enjoy teasing and tangling their locks.  So, the BumpIt seems to be a good solution for both of these conundrums.

However, I think the company really needs to create new advertisements.  Maybe they should even find new models?  BumpIts are some of the only products I have seen that have equally horrible before and after pictures:

Actually, I would MUCH rather look like the before in the picture above.  Did anyone even bother looking at this woman before deciding that her post-Bumpit look was attractive?  Maybe it’s me, but I’m not a huge fan of hairdos that look like I was just attacked and tasered by a bunch of angry cops.

With results like these, even I - a self-proclaimed infomercial addict - cannot fathom purchasing a BumpIt.  But with an infomercial like this, I will never change the channel when I see it being advertised.

When did the clothing company American Apparel decide to become a political enthusiast?  When I first saw advertisements for their Legalize Gay shirts I thought, “Okay, I can get on board with that cause.”  As a Los Angeles-based organization, American Apparel certainly isn’t out of line by taking a stand on Prop 8.  But I’m starting to think that designers at the company are creating t-shirt designs and logos based on what they read in the morning paper.

For example - I just can’t get my mind of off AA’s Free Iran shirts.  I am fully aware of the political unrest that exists in Iran, and I paid very close attention to the events that ensued during this past summer.  However, I can’t help but think: Do most frequent American Apparel customers even know what is going on in Iran?  Further, would they even be able to point to Iran on a map?

It’s all well and good that AA decided to take a stance on a particular issue.  That’s not what I have a problem with.  I don’t even take issue with the cause they chose to support - I, too, sympathize with Iranians who have suffered through their country’s political turmoil and fully support their demonstrations and protests for an honest government.

But is it fair for American Apparel to profit from the political crisis?  The company says that the Free Iran shirt was created in support of Iranians around the globe.  This may be true, but in addition to selling these t-shirts, why hasn’t American Apparel encouraged customers to engage in the cause?  Also, why hasn’t the company taken a percentage of each shirt sold and donated it to a cause such as the Foundation for Democracy in Iran?

As far as I’m concerned, walking down Wilshire Blvd wearing a Free Iran shirt doesn’t make you an advocate for a cause.  It makes you a tool.  What’s even less cool than not taking any political action at all is promoting politics you don’t even understand.

I have a wonderful pair of Bose earbuds that I use to listen to my iPod.  They just rest in my ears perfectly and comfortably.  They are the best invention since music itself, and they should be the only type of headphones that anyone should be allowed to use.  Ever. Not only do they look absolutely fantastic in my ears, but they don’t let any sound out.

I hate knowing that other people can hear my music.  Occasionally, I like to listen to some Nsync or Backstreet Boys.  Sometimes I even like to listen to that old classic “Mambo No. 5.”  These are all great tunes to hang around and listen to with my girlfriends with while we get ready to go out, but when I’m alone on the train or walking down the street, I don’t really want the people around me to hear me listening to my guilty pleasures in public.

Even worse is having to overhear other people’s music.  I was just stuck on the train heading back to school, forced to overhear someone’s horrible rap music.  I don’t hate rap in the least, but when I’m not in the mood for it, rap is the last thing that I want to hear.

Now, had my train neighbor been using my Bose headphones, (or he could upgrade to these Bose headphones) I would have been spared a painful headache that lasted for three long hours.  Just because other people are allowed to listen to a bunch of shitty music doesn’t mean that I should have to be subjected to it.

Oh… and one more thing.  If you decide not to turn your iPod off, then at least turn the volume down.  If you ever see people staring at you like this:

you’re stupid music is pissing them off.  Take the hint.

YES YES YES!!!!  As a girl from New York, I have been surrounded by “guidos” for a long, long time.  My mom always said that I am never allowed to use that term because it’s offensive and disrespectful, and blah blah blah.  And I don’t mean to seem ignorant - I hate offensive language that irresponsibly discriminates toward a whole group of people - but I just have a SERIOUS love/hate relationship with guidos.  Not Italians, GUIDOS. I just hate to admit how much I really love observing guidos.  My friends and I have all traveled around the country to attend different colleges, but every time we come home we discuss how much we miss guidos.  There are just no real guidos, with puffed hair, orange skin, “ITALIA” clothing, cars with black tinted windows, ripped Ed Hardy shirts, big JACKED muscles (the list goes on and on), in any other cities.  So coming back to hear house music bumping out of white Acuras is just a breath of fresh air.

Now, you are probably wondering why I am so excited to start using the word “guido” openly.  Well, it is because MTV has a show called “Jersey Shore” that premieres on December 3.  And the cast members of the show refer to themselves as “guidos” in the trailer!  Now, while I don’t consider “guido” as bad as the “n-word” I don’t believe that we should all go screaming”GUIDOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSS” from the rooftops.  Still, I am stoked that MTV is finally showing the world just exactly what a guido truly is.

Here are a few of my favorite guidos that I have found over the years (and yes, I have searched for guido pictures for YEARS):

First…

And this one is a real gem…

And, the lesser-known “guidette”…

Now that’s class.

So yes… being at school in Boston prevents me from seeing huge, beefy, orange, tatted dudes constantly.  But Jersey Shore coming to TV is like an early Christmas gift… and I am so excited to finally get my guido fix.

Since I was young I have religiously watched the Price is Right.  If I am at my home between the hours of 11 am and 12 pm, then you can bet that my TV is tuned to CBS so that I can watch people people compete for washing machines, outdoor spas, jukeboxes, and other useless items that we all know the contestants don’t really want.  In fact, the best part of the show is watching people mask their disappointment when they find out they are competing for a living room and not a car.

When Bob Barker announced his retirement I almost passed out.  How was I supposed to spend my mornings with anyone other than Bob???  I mean, really!  As far as I was concerned, Bob Barker was like my really old great uncle - the kind who always comes to holiday dinner and bitches about how he misses life without telephones, cars, or antibiotics.  At least, I loved him like my old great uncle.

Bob is also great because I have this theory that he’s been dead for a while, and far before his retirement he was just a corpse being held up by strings.  Think about it… would it really surprise you if you discovered that was true?  I didn’t think so.

Anyhoo… whenever I think of Bob, I wonder at what point he decided to just let his hair get so white, and let his skin get so very very very dark.  Out of curiosity, I looked up a picture of a young Bob Barker, to see if he was ever less-freakish looking.  And this is what I found:

WOW!!!!  Who would have known that young Bob would turn into this:

Oh Bob… you really turned into quite a frightening monster of a person - but I only know you as a thin, tan, creeper, and that’s the only way I can ever love you.